


Over and Over

by LaoisePotter



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Angst, F/F, Songfic, background Emma/Alyssa, futurefic? perhaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 02:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21330430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaoisePotter/pseuds/LaoisePotter
Summary: I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry to the heavensWhy won't you just send me somebody?Songfic of "I Wish" by Hayley Kiyoko
Relationships: Kaylee/Shelby (The Prom)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	Over and Over

**Author's Note:**

> More than two months later, it's finally DONE. Buckle up, kids, this will be a bumpy ride. Thank you, Alex, for dealing with me this whole time dropping the angstiest bits into your lap out of nowhere like a cat with a dead bird, you a real one.
> 
> No beta, we die (and cry) like men.

_I don’t know where we’re gonna go from here, I don’t_

It was all teeth and tongues and whiskey and bad decisions. Shelby knew she had fucked up, but her alcohol-addled brain shoved her self-awareness too deep to reach the moment Kaylee sucked on her bottom lip. She existed solely in the parts of her body that were touching her best friend and had no idea whose tears were adding salt to the otherwise sweetest kiss she had ever had.

_You shut down when I tell you all the shit I want_

“Kaylee…_shit_…Kay, I don’t—”

A hand slapped over her mouth and the fingers felt slick against her skin. Kaylee’s gaze was fierce but her expression unreadable as she kissed Shelby’s brow, her cheek, her jaw, then lowered her head to suck a bruise into her neck. Shelby moaned, her hands fisting in the fabric of Kaylee’s T-shirt.

_We butt heads, you don’t pay me no attention_

_And you’re selfish with your affection_

Kaylee shoved her hands away when she tried to touch her anywhere that wasn’t her back, her sides, her hair. If it was possible to completely ignore someone while viciously making out with them, Kaylee had figured it out, and it was driving Shelby crazy. Eventually, she found herself pinned underneath Kaylee on the bed, essentially the opposite of how she had envisioned this scenario when she was sleepy, sad, and sober. She started to struggle, but all Kaylee had to do was lean down and rasp one thing in her ear— “_Mine_”—and Shelby was rendered completely helpless. Maybe relinquishing control wasn’t a bad idea.

_You don’t like when I decide to speak my mind_

_No, you don’t like that I do what I want, like, all the time_

She tried to regain her footing one last time when she felt a hand brush below her hip bone, tossing a leg over Kaylee’s back and somehow flipping their positions through the whiskey-fallen haze. “Kay,” Shelby choked out, her breath ghosting against her kiss-swollen mouth, “This is crazy.”

“And?” Kaylee leaned up to try and capture her lips again, but Shelby flinched away.

“And? What about _Nick_?”

With a low, throaty growl that was almost primitive, Kaylee grabbed Shelby by the back of her neck and sunk her teeth into her pulse point, causing her to cry out. “Screw that,” she muttered against her throat. “Nick doesn’t matter.”

If she wasn’t nearly delirious with want, she would’ve been mortified by the noise she made as Kaylee’s other hand dipped lower. “Wha…h-hell does that mean?”

“It means…” Kaylee dexterously rolled them over and pinned Shelby to the bed, eyes sparking with something dark and greedy. “Do you want to talk about him, or do you want to shut up and let me fuck you?”

“Shit,” Shelby breathed, and that was the last thing they said for a long time afterwards.

_We butt heads, ‘cause you don’t pay me no attention_

_And you’re selfish with your affection_

They lay side-by-side, panting up at the ceiling. The blankets were kicked to the foot of the bed and the room was hot, hazy, even as the whiskey fog was beginning to lose its edge. Shelby glanced over and realized she couldn’t read anything in Kaylee’s expression through the darkness. “You okay?”

No answer.

“Kaylee?”

At the sound of her name, Kaylee leaned over and kissed her, hard and slow. When she pulled back, Shelby was stunned by the sudden flash, and then lack of emotion in her eyes. She rolled onto her side, facing the wall. “You should go.”

“What?” Brow furrowing, Shelby propped herself up on an elbow. “What’s wrong?”

Kaylee seemed to recoil at the question. “I’m getting a headache,” she said flatly. “Let me sleep.”

Shelby stared. She could feel herself sobering as the seconds ticked by and Kaylee didn’t turn back over. “Just like that, huh?” she whispered, and no response came. After what felt like hours of silence, Shelby flopped back onto the bed. “Wow.” Anger churned low in her stomach. _Stupid_. “Okay.” She kicked her feet off the mattress and grabbed her clothes, berating herself wordlessly as she threw them on. _How could you be so stupid? _Dressed haphazardly, Shelby headed for the door and snapped it shut with a sense of finality that made her want to throw up. _You’re a fucking moron, Gonzales_.

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love_

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love_

They had split up over a year before, but Kevin was still one of the most important people in Shelby’s life. Their love had changed into something strong and amicable without fading in the least, so when Shelby texted him at two in the morning saying how much she didn’t want to go home, Kevin told her to come over without hesitation. He folded her into his arms the moment she showed up at his door, rumpled and bruised in strange places and clearly devastated. He held her protectively and let her cry into his shoulder for a while before he spoke.

“Please tell me this was consensual,” he murmured with a bit of a rumble in his chest. “Because if it wasn’t, I swear to God Shelb, I’ll—”

“It was, it was, I promise,” she replied, quickly swallowing back a sob. “I swear it was.” The sob bubbled up anyways and she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Doesn’t mean it ended happy, though.”

Kevin sighed and rested his chin on the top of her head. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Closing his eyes, Kevin tightened his grip. “Okay. Whatever you need. I’m here.”

_‘Cause I wake up up in the morning time_

_And there’s nobody here by my side_

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love_

When Shelby woke up in the morning, it was next to the wrong best friend. The soft apology she saw in Kevin’s eyes told her that the pain of it was still written all over her face.

_You don’t care, it’s a storm in my iris ‘cause you lied_

It rained that day and the next, poetic in a way that made Shelby want to put her foot through a window. She drove aimless around town, following every road to the end, sometimes twice over. She drove until her restless mind decided it was time to walk, despite the steady drizzle falling from the sky. Her feet carried her through the woods, around an empty playground, past the library and town hall and post office and numerous other businesses her brain refused to register until she came to a dead stop across the street from a small diner, lit cheerily against the rain. Its doors opened to reveal Nick and Kaylee, arm-in-arm, stepping outside after what was evidently a date. Nick kissed Kaylee on the cheek before he set off at a jog down the sidewalk while she waited under the awning of the building, smiling softly after him, and Shelby felt like she’d been slapped across the face. Her legs moved of their own accord and she found herself soaking wet, furious, heartbroken, standing next to the last person on earth she wanted to speak to at that moment.

“What the fuck?”

_You don’t mind that it’s raining oceans from my eyes_

_We butt heads, ‘cause you’re paying him attention_

_And you’re selfish with your affection_

A bizarre number of emotions crossed Kaylee’s face when she spun around. “Shelby?”

“Kay, what the _fuck_?”

Kaylee’s throat bobbed as she swallowed her surprise and plastered a new smile on her face. “What do you mean?” she asked in a strained voice.

“‘Nick doesn’t matter’, huh? Really? Because it sure looks like he does.”

Kaylee paled. Her gaze darted back towards the diner and she angled herself away from the windows. “Shelby…” She cleared her throat without making eye contact. “Look, we just finished up lunch, he’s going to get his car, and he’ll be back any second now. We’re on a date, so…” She mimed pushing Shelby away. “Can’t you just…you know, just—”

“What?” Shelby snapped, intensely offended. “Can’t I just _what_, Kaylee?”

“Can’t you just _chill_ for a second? _Jesus_.” Kaylee ran a hand through and looked around anxiously. “Do you really want do this here?”  
  
“Here?” Shelby choked in disgust and flung her arms wide. “Of course I fucking don’t, Kaylee! I don’t want to have to do this at all! But you _lied_ to me! You told me he didn’t matter, and now you’re out on a fucking _date_ with him, like nothing’s even _happened_ between us?”

_Your black heart, you ain’t even budge when you tore mine apart_

_You wild out, so I wild out too, motherfucker, what’s up?_

“Shelby, things change! That’s just how it goes. He didn’t matter then, but he matters now, and will be back any second, so save it, _please_.”

“Really? ‘Things change’? That’s how you’re justifying this to yourself?” Shelby’s voice began to rise as she threw her hands up. “The switch has flipped and you’re back with Nick now and _nobody_ has the right to question it, even though less than 48 hours ago you were knuckle-deep in m—”

Kaylee slapped her hand over her mouth and pinned her against the side of the building. The cold brick at her back and Kaylee’s warmth from her front made Shelby feel almost seasick from the way her wet clothes pressed against her. “Are you crazy?” Kaylee hissed, her voice dangerous and scared. “We are _not_ going to talk about this here. I have a date, and you have _got _to have something better to do with your day, so _just_. _Drop_ it.”

Shelby pushed her hand away, eyes stinging. “You want me to drop it? Fine.” She shoved herself off the wall, causing Kaylee to stumble backwards. “Consider it dropped.”

She made it about thirty feet before a frustrated, plaintive “Shelby…” drifted through the air, but she didn’t even bother to stop walking as she looked back. “It’s dropped, Kaylee. It’s aaaall dropped. Have a great day.”

The rain picked up as she crossed the road with long, determined strides. A car rolled to a stop behind her and she heard its door open.

“Yo, Shelb! You want a ride?”

She continued stalking away, deciding to walk towards the woods, to a path that would hide her and lead her straight home. “No thanks, Nick!”

“You sure?” he called after her.

“Pretty fucking sure thanks anyways!” she yelled without turning around. She dove into the trees where the rain turned into fat, pattern-less drops rolling off the branches above, and prayed she could make it home without completely breaking down.

_We butt heads, ‘cause you keep paying him attention_

_And you’re selfish with your affection_

“She said—she said she was thinking about getting back with him, and then she fucked me! And said he didn’t matter! And where do I find them this morning? Brunch! _Brunch!_ And I’m just…I’m fuckin’ done! She fucks me, and I’m done. Fuck me, am I right?”

Some top 40s pop song pulsed through the air around them and Shelby felt like she was losing her mind. She took a long drink of her vodka soda, ignoring the small noise of concern Emma made and the hand Alyssa rested on her arm. They probably regretted meeting her at the bar. She didn’t care. They could leave whenever they wanted to, she didn’t care anymore. “Fuck me, am I right?” she echoed herself.

Alyssa squeezed her arm gently. “Shelby, I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, dude. That’s…” Emma sighed. “So shitty.”

Shelby shook her head. “Whatever.” She tipped her head back and drained the rest of her glass, making a face as the liquor burned its way to her stomach. “I fucked up. I just…I just want my best friend back.” She stared at her hands for a moment and let that thought sink into her before she slid out of her chair. “But not as much as I want to black out from too much whiskey.” Once out of earshot, she muttered to herself, “Second time’s a charm, right?”

Emma watched Shelby in silence as she downed her next drink right at the bar and ordered a third without hesitation. “I’m _really_ worried about her.”

“That is not a Shelby I recognize,” Alyssa agreed, tracing the stem of her wine glass absently.

“What do we do about this?”

“I wish I knew.”

Worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, Emma took off her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “She said she wanted her best friend back. Can we help her with that?”

Alyssa’s fingers moved from her drink to drumming anxiously on the table. “I don’t know if who she wants is who she needs right now.”

Their gazes followed Shelby as she dug some money out of her pocket and wobbled a bit on her way to the old jukebox by the bathrooms. Sighing, Emma pulled out her phone and started to scroll through her contacts. “Let’s give her an hour to chill out,” she suggested, having to raise her voice as Stevie Nicks began to play, “and then I have an idea.”

Shelby started to dance by herself near the jukebox. Alyssa breathed out through her nose and nodded. “I’m not sure she’ll need that long.” She rested her head on Emma’s shoulder. “I just hope we’re doing the right thing.”

“After this, all we can do is be there for her.” Emma kissed Alyssa’s hair and raised the phone to her ear. “Help her celebrate…or help her heal.”

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love_

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love_

_‘Cause I wake up up in the morning time_

_And there’s nobody here by my side_

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love_

The next day, Shelby found herself blinking awake in Kevin’s empty bed with a pounding head, an apology text from Alyssa on her phone, and Kaylee sitting on the edge of the mattress in her clothes from the day before. It was too much like the night her life was ruined for Shelby’s taste. She wondered if she actually drank herself to death and this is what hell looked like.

_Sometimes I wonder if you’ll ever love me ever_

_I wonder if I’m ever gonna find somebody_

“I miss you, Shelbs.”

Oh, it hurt. It all hurt and it made her so, so angry. “You don’t get to miss me.” She turned to face the wall and squeezed her eyes shut. “Go away and let me wake up from this goddamn nightmare.”

“Shelby, come on.” A hand landed on her hip and she hated her body for shivering in response. “It’s me. I’m your best friend, babe.”

“Yeah? And?”

She felt Kaylee recoil. It was different from the night she broke her heart—the silence in her retreat hung raw like an open wound. “That used to mean something,” she said, quietly.

Shelby scoffed. “You’re telling me.”

“Shelby, I don’t know…I don’t…ugh, I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know _this_ time?”

“I don’t know how to fix this!”

“No, you don’t!” Shelby shot upright, startling Kaylee, and jabbed a finger in her direction. “You don’t know how to fix this and that’s _exactly_ why you can’t. God, are you choosing to be this clueless, or are you genuinely unable to figure out how I really feel about you? I can’t decided which one is more insulting.”

_I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry to the heavens_

_Why won’t you just send me somebody?_

“I feel like I’m sinking. I’m just falling through the darkness like it’s water, like it’s mud, and there’s nothing around for me to grab on to. It’s not supposed to feel that way, right? The person you love, should you feel like you’re sinking around them? Your best friend, should you feel like you’re sinking around them?” Shelby buried her head in her hands as the words tumbled out of her. “I’m drowning every time I come near you, Kaylee. I’m drowning. And I fucked up. I _know_ I fucked up; I know I shouldn’t have given in to those urges. But you fucked up too, Kaylee. When I tried to wake up from what I knew was a dream too good to be true, you stopped me. Over and over I asked you if you wanted to keep going, and you should have said no. I _begged_ you to say no because in my heart I knew you didn’t mean it, but you didn’t stop. I fucked up because I started it. You fucked up because you didn’t stop. I feel dead, Kaylee. I feel like I don’t exist anymore. What happens when the person you love breaks your heart, and your best friend breaks your heart, and they’re the same fucking person? You can’t fix this…” She took a deep, shaky breath and met Kaylee’s eyes. “You can’t fix this because you can’t be those people for me anymore.”

Silence fell again. The expression on Kaylee’s face seemed to hold all the emotion she had tamped down since everything started, and not a single one was positive. “Shelby…”

“Just go. _Please_.” Tears streamed down her face, but her gaze was steady. “Listen to me, this time, and go.”

Kaylee looked at her—_really_ looked at her, it seemed—and tears gathered in her eyes when she realized Shelby wasn’t about to change her mind. Slowly, she stood from the bed and walked to Kevin’s door, pausing in the doorway to glance back. She swallowed audibly. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, and then she was gone. Shelby curled into herself, and let her bones become stone for the moment.

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love_

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love (I wish I found love)_

_‘Cause I wake up up in the morning time_

_And there’s nobody here by my side_

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love (I wish I found love)_

Kevin came in a few minutes later. He sat down where Kaylee had vacated and took Shelby’s hand, turning it over and over in his. “I’m sorry if we didn’t make the right call,” he apologized after a long moment.

Shifting a little so she could look at him, Shelby curled her fingers around his. “We had to talk,” she croaked.

He nodded. “We’re here for you, Shelby. All of us.” He tugged her forward into a hug. “Always.”

Shelby held him close and finally, _finally_ let herself feel everything she had been fighting for days, months, maybe even years at that point. She’d have time to process it all, to sift through every little detail and figure it all out, but right then and there she just let it wash over her. Shelby cried, and she loved, and she mourned, safe in somebody’s arms at last.

Some time later, the two of them ventured downstairs and she slid easily into the space between Emma and Alyssa, letting herself sink into their comfortable warmth. She leaned on Emma and Alyssa played with her hair and Kevin held her hand as she told them; she told them the whole truth and little by little the weight on her heart lessened, her stomach untangled, her mind began to clear up. It hurt, it still hurt more than she could describe, but as her hoarse voice started to give out, Shelby found herself embraced from all sides and she knew that she could bear it. However long it took, she had the strength and love to endure it.

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love (I wish I found love)_

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love (I wish I found love)_

_‘Cause I wake up up in the morning time_

_And there’s nobody here by my side_

_I wish, I wish, I wish I found love_

The library was cold, but Shelby didn’t mind much. The slightly oversized NYU hoodie Emma gave her for Christmas kept her cozy as she straightened out the bookshelves and marveled at how quickly the poly-sci majors managed to get every single book in their section out of order. The start of the semester was always quiet, even for the library, but Shelby had learned to enjoy it. Real life loomed at the end of the spring, long and unknown, so these times of peace she found, even when working, helped keep the worry at bay. Only a few students were around to disturb the silence with their shuffling and rustling, easy to ignore when you’re elbow-deep in the Dewey Decimal System. Shelby was carefully moving a stack of large reference books when somebody cleared their throat at the top of the aisle.

“Help you find something?” Shelby asked in a strained voice as she shifted the books around, trying to find the best way to place them on the shelf without dropping any.

“Let me help you first,” came the reply, and Shelby’s heart leapt into her throat. Two lithe hands took half of the stack, and wordlessly, Kaylee helped her place the books where they belonged. When they were done, Shelby took a step back and Kaylee did the same, waiting just a moment before they let their eyes meet, blue and brown, achingly familiar in every type of way. Kaylee cleared her throat again.

“Hi,” she said softly.

Shelby felt her heart swoop again. “Hi.”

They looked at each other for several long moments. Tension hung in the air between them, but it somehow felt…different. Kaylee let her eyes drift shut for a moment as she took a deep breath, then opened them again. “Can we talk?”

Shelby swallowed hard. She let the question roll over in her mind as Kaylee stood silent, patient, ready to give her as much time as she needed to answer. Things had changed. She wasn’t the same. But something powerful was beating in her heart, a voice that hadn’t let go. A voice that she still loved and still cherished above all other things. A voice that told her…maybe this is where we were made to end up. Shelby shut her eyes, took a breath, and opened them.

“Yeah. Yeah, we can talk.”

_(I wish I found love)_

**Author's Note:**

> :)


End file.
